


Growing Unnoticed

by kakera



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Getting Together, Gift Fic, M/M, Prompt Fic, Tumblr Prompt, kanae is always crying, tsukiyama's post-TG depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-30
Updated: 2015-08-30
Packaged: 2018-04-18 04:29:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4692122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kakera/pseuds/kakera
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tsukiyama Shuu remembers the first time he set eyes on Kanae von Rosenwald... He remembers the music lessons, playing at human and being too busy to pay Kanae any attention. But after losing Kaneki, it's Kanae who is around Shuu the most, and Shuu begins to notice things he didn't see before...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Growing Unnoticed

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sazzykins](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sazzykins/gifts).



> Another fic that's all the fault of Sazzykins, who prompted me '8.things you said when you were crying' and 'Tsukiyama and Kanae' (again, from the same tumblr prompt thingy)
> 
> Big thanks go to Rina who checked/corrected my German.  
> Translations for non-English words/phrases are at the end, or already in the fic :)

Shuu Tsukiyama remembers the first time he set eyes upon Kanae von Rosenwald. Kanae had been but a child, orphaned by ghoul hunters and taken in by the Tsukiyamas. Upon returning from school, Shuu had found Kanae hiding away from everyone, hunched up and crying. As he gazed at the tearful face, Shuu felt as though he was looking at his younger self.

Kanae hadn't been very talkative at first. Thousands of miles from his homeland, he'd struggled to form words in the face of Shuu's friendly introduction.

Shuu led him to the Tsukiyama Family's rose garden. He had to admit, he showed off a bit back then. He wanted to impress the little boy, wanted to befriend him. Having seen Kanae's tears, Shuu felt protective of him. No servant of the Tsukiyamas should feel the need to cry, unless it was with happiness.

Once Kanae was wowed into silence by Shuu's speeches and the beautiful, fragrant roses, Tsukiyama Shuu congratulated himself on a job well done. Kanae would bloom like a rose of the highest class. Shuu would make sure of it.

 

Shuu remembers music lessons with his father. He remembers the day when, in the midst of learning a piece by Chopin, his ears picked up the sound of sobbing. He stopped playing, and upon looking up, saw Kanae peeking through the door, tears sliding down his cheeks.

"Come in, Kanae. Why are you crying?" Shuu's father inquired.

The boy edged into the room, lips pursed. He couldn't look at Mirumo Tsukiyama, despite how kind the man had been to him since his arrival. But he could look at Shuu.

"Did you like the music?" Shuu asked softly.

Kanae nodded, wiping at his tears with his fingertips. "It is _schön_ ," he admitted, gazing longingly at the sheet music.

Shuu smiled. "Do you want to play too?"

Kanae's eyes widened. "Please, Master Shuu..."

"Do you like the violin? If you learn it, we can play together. Father, that's fine, isn't it?"

Mirumo nodded and looked upon Kanae. "You're still small, so I'll send for a 3/4 size violin. You can start learning once it arrives."

Kanae bowed, fresh tears springing up in his eyes as he thanked them.

The boy's behaviour made Shuu smile. "Bring a chair, Kanae, and listen."

From that day onward, Kanae was always present at Shuu's music lessons. As time went on, he became proficient enough with the violin that Shuu finally had somebody to play with.

He didn't think he would ever tire of Kanae, who he thought of not as a servant, but a little brother.

 

Of course, there were plenty of times when Shuu was too distracted to pay much attention to the younger ghoul. He enjoyed school and found it easy, and loved to play at being human whilst around all the other humans. Sometimes he would encounter the most enchanting smell, and follow it until he found its most delicious owner. Then there were books, there were delightful little coffee shops, and fun people like his human friend, the little mouse Chie Hori. Shuu began to spend longer outside after school, and was out a lot on weekends, too.

 

Kanae was always there when Shuu got home, waiting to greet him, sometimes a little tearful, especially if Shuu had been gone for a long time. Shuu realised that Kanae feared losing people. After that, he tried to tell the boy if he'd be home late, though it didn't really stop Kanae from giving him worried looks whenever he returned home.

 

Shuu remembers the day he spoke to Chie in the garden. It was raining, but he didn't care. He knew he looked good, and wanted his friend to photograph him getting wet. As usual, he was showing off.

 _"Walle, Regen, walle nieder, Wecke mir die Träume wieder, Die ich--"_ Kanae's cheerful voice echoed across the garden, but stopped abruptly when the boy appeared at the edge of Shuu's vision. Kanae was wrapped up in a raincoat and clutching a still-folded umbrella. His expression had been full of jealousy.

Shuu didn't like it, and pretended not to see him--or the tears that welled up in Kanae's eyes as he turned away.

 

When not in front of him, Kanae was always just at the edge of Shuu's vision--hovering, waiting, merging into the shadows but nevertheless there.

Shuu talked to him, taught him about culture and aesthetic and important things like picking a good suit and choosing good meat. Kanae always listened eagerly, and for a while, Shuu didn't see any tears.

 

Shuu left school and started university. He didn't spend so much time at home anymore, especially after meeting Kaneki. Oh, what a delightful dish Kaneki could have been...

Shuu had told Kanae about Kaneki, of course. He couldn't help himself. Kanae's eyes flashed with envy, but he reigned his temper in. Shuu felt proud of him.

 

A lot happened after meeting Kaneki, and after losing him, Shuu felt nothing but darkness. He would have happily remained on the rooftop where they said goodbye, and let himself die.

But that didn't happen, and when he was brought home two days later, it was Kanae who fussed over him the most, beside himself with worry.

Through the shadow of his depression, Shuu realised that Kanae wasn't a boy anymore, but a young man.

"Kanae," Shuu murmured one day. "He's gone. Kaneki is lost to me..." As he closed his eyes to the tears, Shuu felt Kanae's trembling hand stroking his hair. Shuu felt ill, distraught, heartbroken, but the touch was comforting.

"Don't worry, Master Shuu. We'll take care of you." Kanae's words were softly-spoken, and he only moved away when Matsumae brought in some food.

 

Shuu remembered being unable to eat anything anymore. Nothing tasted good. Not compared to how Kaneki smelt.

"He would have been _bellissimo_ ," Shuu sighed, as he stared blankly at the tray of food before him.

Kanae sat on the edge of the bed, an almost constant presence there now. Aliza told Shuu that when Kanae wasn't there, he spent most of his time moping amidst the roses.

It only added to Shuu's sadness to realise how his condition affected the household, but he could do nothing to pull himself out of such deep depression.

"...I cannot eat this. I'm sorry." Shuu pushed the tray away.

"It's okay, Master Shuu." Kanae lifted the tray from Shuu's legs, lips pursed with worry, and bore the uneaten meal from the room.

Shuu sighed, glad the hideous smell had been removed, and dozed until Kanae returned.

 

Shuu's condition worsened, and for a while he had trouble recalling what day it was. He no longer knew how long he'd been confined to his bed. The bed was large and soft, but when the hunger pains started, even the softest mattress in the world couldn't soothe him.

"It hurts, Kanae..." Shuu whimpered, tears of pain stinging his eyes. "So hungry. So hungry. I need to eat..." But nothing they brought him was palatable, and that was the problem.

Biting his lip, Kanae pulled up his sleeve and held his arm to Shuu's lips. "Please, Master Shuu, if you can..." He swallowed.

Shuu looked into Kanae's eyes, noticing the tears that were ready to fall. Kanae was afraid, and despairing. Shuu weakly took hold of Kanae's hand, and pressed a kiss to the inside of his wrist.

"You're my friend, Kanae." He shook his head. "I can't."

"We'll find you something good," Kanae promised urgently. "I'll find you _Göttlicher Geschmack_."

Shuu lifted his free hand to Kanae's cheek. "I can always rely on you, Kanae."

Tears escaping his eyes, Kanae bowed his head. "Always, Master Shuu." He forced a smile. _"Je vueil quanque vous voulez."_ I am willing whatever you will.

Shuu gave a weak smile. "Christine de Pizan. You remembered." He wiped the tears from Kanae's cheeks, wishing he could feel more pleasure in the fact Kanae had memorised such a cherished poem. Written by a ghoul, nonetheless. " _Mon cuer remaint morne et cois..."_ Shuu sighed. His heart really did feel gloomy and silent.

"Master Shuu..."

"Speak to me in German," Shuu pleaded. He didn't know why, but it always sounded comforting on Kanae's tongue.

" _Ja, Meister Shuu. Ich bin immer für dich da. Ich will dir helfen. Aber bitte schlaf jetzt._ "

Shuu understood, despite his mind's protests at translating: 'Yes, Master Shuu. I'm always here for you. I want to help you. But please sleep now.' Shuu smiled faintly and settled back against the pillows, holding onto Kanae's hand as he let sleep claim him.

 

It's a vague memory, but Shuu can recall the time Kanae brought him a piece of underwear in a zip-lock bag. The faint scent made Shuu feel nostalgic, and the design was nice, but he didn't know why Kanae had brought them to him. Kanae looked crestfallen as he took the garment away, and Shuu guessed it had been an attempt to make him feel better.

 

Shuu doesn't remember losing control of his kagune, but overheard what happened later on, when he was feigning sleep. He'd gone beserk, and Kanae had let loose his own kagune to bring him down. It certainly explained the guilty look Kanae had been giving him.

Shuu pretended to sleep often, especially when Kanae was around. He didn't want to face Kanae's tears, for it seemed the other was always crying nowadays. The tears made Shuu feel guilty, for he knew he was the cause. He didn't want Kanae to cry.

 

Sometimes, when Shuu was pretending to sleep, and nobody else was around, he felt Kanae settle on the bed beside him. Then Shuu would feel gentle fingers in his hair, or a strong arm around his bony torso, or a face pressed against his shoulder.

He remembered laying like this when Kanae was a child and upset over something, though their roles were reversed now.

Kanae used to smell of roses, but Shuu had lost his sense of smell long ago. He missed the rose scent that accompanied the smell of Kanae's flesh.

Most of the time when Kanae lay with him like this, he was silent but for a few soft sobs, and hot tears dripping into Shuu's hair.

Sometimes, Kanae talked. It was often all in German. Despite being fluent in Japanese, Kanae had never been able to prevent the occasional German word from slipping into his everyday speech, and Shuu had become accustomed to it. Shuu's exhausted mind tried to understand what Kanae said, though sometimes it was lost amidst tears, or too muffled to make out. Sometimes, Shuu lost track of Kanae's words, and could only continue feigning sleep and focus on the secure feeling of Kanae's arms.

 

"I'm scared, Master Shuu," Kanae whispered one night. The household was silent, and Shuu guessed that everyone had gone to bed long ago. He couldn't sleep, but pretended to when Kanae crept in.

Kanae held Shuu close, tightly yet tenderly. "You are so ill. I'll do anything for you. Anything, if it will make you better..." A shaky sigh escaped Kanae's lips, tickling the nape of Shuu's neck, and Shuu knew that Kanae was crying. " _Mein schöner Meister Shuu._ I don't want to lose you... _Ich wünsche..._ "

Shuu listened silently, trying not to give any sign that he was awake as he strained to translate Kanae's words: My beautiful Master Shuu. I don't want to lose you... I wish...I wish things were different. I wish you'd never met Kaneki. You would never be in this state. I wish you would forget him. I wish you would see me."

The words would have struck Shuu has harsh, were it not for the tearful passion with which they were spoken. He felt sad for Kanae, who so deeply wanted him to recover.

"Why can't you look at me instead?" Kanae murmured mournfully. " _Du besitzt mein Herz. Ich liebe dich._ "

You have my heart. I love you.

Shuu's heart began to pound beneath Kanae's fingers.

"Master Shuu?" Kanae spoke up louder than before, tone concerned and a little scared.

Shuu felt him shift on the bed, and realised he'd forgotten to breathe. As he let his breathing return to an even pace, he heard Kanae sigh.

" _Träumst du, Meister Shuu?_ "

Are you dreaming?

Kanae's arm unwound from around him, and the mattress lifted when Kanae got up from the bed. For a brief moment Shuu felt breath on his face, and then the longing touch of lips upon his cheek. " _Süße Träume..._ I'll be here in the morning."

Shuu waited, but didn't hear the door click shut: Kanae hadn't left.

Shuu slept, though his dreams were anything but sweet.

 

A few days later, Kanae handed Shuu an envelope. Inside was a photograph of a man who was unmistakeably Kaneki.

Shuu knew that Chie was responsible for the photograph, and was grateful to her. By the unwilling look in Kanae's eyes, giving him this was the last thing he wanted to do, and it was obvious he didn't want to give the details, either. Yet Kanae told him everything: About the man named Haise Sasaki, a half-ghoul ghoul investigator working for the CCG. Sasaki, who had no memories of the past.

Shuu was too elated to take much notice of Kanae's feelings, and didn't stop to think about it until Kanae was helping him get ready to leave the house. He remembered the words he'd overheard when Kanae had come to him in the night.

 _'I'll do anything for you.’_ And so he was. Kanae didn't want this, but he was doing it anyway: taking Shuu to meet Kaneki, because Shuu wanted to.

Kanae was almost too loyal, Shuu reflected.

_'Ich liebe dich.'_

Ah, there was that. The words had sounded timid on Kanae's lips. Shuu wondered how they would sound if Kanae ever spoke them knowing he was awake.

 

Meeting Kaneki didn't go to plan. Shuu overestimated his strength, and fell down in front of the man now known as Sasaki.

Sasaki didn't recognise him. For a brief moment they were touching, as the investigator helped Shuu from the ground. It was definitely Kaneki. His body was the same, his arms were the same--a little more muscular, maybe, but the same...

Then Shuu felt more familiar arms about him as Kanae helped him back to the wheelchair. Behind his sunglasses, Kanae looked pained.

 

Later, Shuu found himself studying Kanae as the younger ghoul served coffee. During his illness, Kanae had fussed around him more than most. Kanae had grown a little taller since before Shuu became ill. And he'd become a lot more attractive.

 _'Ich liebe dich.'_ The words echoed in Shuu's memory as he watched his faithful servant. They troubled him a little, as did the recollection of all the secret tears Kanae had shed when he thought Shuu was sleeping.

 

Shuu didn't know if it was the photograph of Kaneki or the food he'd eaten earlier, but he felt as though someone had lifted a mist from his mind. His thoughts were sharp, and everything around him seemed clearer.

When Kanae set down a coffee cup, Shuu grabbed his wrist. Kanae looked at him, and Shuu saw it in his eyes: _Ich liebe dich. I'll do anything for you._

"Kanae," Shuu said softly. "Let's go into the garden."

 

Though he didn't need a wheelchair anymore, Shuu wasn't yet able to walk completely unaided, and rested heavily on Kanae's arm as they strolled outside.

Shuu plucked a Duftwolke rose from the garden, and inhaled its scent deeply. His sense of smell was returning, and the rose smelt like Kanae. Shuu closed his eyes and smiled faintly, remembering how he'd carried out this same performance years ago, when Kanae first arrived.

"I have been taking care of them," Kanae said quietly, interrupting his thoughts.

"So I've been told..." Shuu opened his eyes, a sudden warmth in his chest when he met Kanae's gaze. Kanae looked so tentative and tender. "That's a wonderful expression, Kanae." Shuu gently tucked the rose in Kanae's breast pocket, no longer needing to kneel as he'd done when Kanae was small. "Do you remember, I told you to live beautifully, like this rose?"

Kanae's cheeks flushed scarlet, and his expression became all the more precious. He nodded. " _Natürlich!_ "

Shuu smiled. "You are beautiful, Kanae."

Kanae was speechless. Shuu chuckled and ran his fingers through Kanae's hair, delighting in the way Kanae tensed. There was fear in Kanae's eyes now, and guardedness and so much longing that it made Shuu's heart ache.

"You'll break a few hearts when you get a girlfriend," Shuu joked softly, wanting Kanae to relax. Knowing how Kanae felt made it harder to speak his mind. Shuu didn't want to hurt him. But he couldn't act as if everything was normal, not when Kanae's feelings were on his conscience.

"I..." Kanae swallowed, eyes suddenly bright with tears. "Master Shuu... You love Kaneki, don't you." Kanae spoke the words as though they were torture.

Shuu sighed. "Let's sit down."

 

They went to a bench amidst the roses, and Shuu sank onto it heavily.

For a few moments they were silent, Shuu watching Kanae and Kanae staring at the rose Shuu had given him.

"I love Kaneki," Shuu uttered, as gently as he could. He winced at the way Kanae's lips twisted, and the frown that betrayed Kanae's fight to stop himself crying.

"I thought so," Kanae mumbled bitterly. "I'll do anything to help you, Master Shuu."

Kanae's words flashed through Shuu's mind again: _Ich liebe dich._ Shuu didn't doubt it. Not when Kanae was sitting there, promising to help him get Kaneki back, despite clearly hating the idea.

Shuu rested a hand upon Kanae's arm. "Kaneki is my friend. I love him as a friend," he clarified. "A lot of people do."

Kanae nodded mutely, tears trickling over his cheeks.

"I appreciate your help, Kanae. You've never failed me." Shuu started to caress Kanae's arm, soothingly. "I do not wish to fail you either, _mon cher._ " Shuu's fingertips ran across the pulse-point of Kanae's wrist. "When you offered yourself to me, I was so starved I could have and eaten you whole. You smell wonderful. Were it not for our friendship, I might have done it, and that would have been terrible."

"You could have..."

"I wouldn't have. I needed you, Kanae. I still do."

A soft sigh escaped Kanae's lips, and he looked away. "Once Kaneki has his memories back, you'll be fine, won't you, Master Shuu?"

Shuu had known Kanae long enough to be able to fill in the parts the younger ghoul didn't say: _... you'll be fine_ without me _, won't you, Master Shuu?_

"It will take time, and we need to plan..." Shuu replied thoughtfully. "Once he's back, I'll still need you. Kaneki is Kaneki, but Kanae is Kanae. There's a difference."

"Master Shuu...?" Kanae wiped his eyes. "What can I do?"

Shuu slid his fingers across Kanae's palm, and held his hand. "When it's just us, call me Shuu," he said softly, heart starting to thud in his chest. "You're very precious to me, Kanae. Once Kaneki is brought back, I want to explore that further."

Kanae, who had become tense again when Shuu took his hand, began to cry anew, mixed emotions flickering across his face.

Seeing the confusion mixed with the hope and longing, Shuu continued. "Please understand that I can't until our Kaneki problem is resolved. My mind is already becoming preoccupied--you know how I am. It would not be fair of me to..." He trailed off when Kanae started to sob. "Kanae..."

"I don't care!" Kanae choked out. "I don't want to be left behind anymore. I've always been right here. Why don't you see me?"

Shuu rested his head against Kanae's. "I do see you, my beautiful Kanae." Shuu sighed, realising all the times over the years that he'd pushed Kanae aside in favour of something new and exciting. And he was on the verge of doing it again. "I'm sorry that I didn't see you until now. I don't want to hurt you--"

"You're hurting me right now," Kanae cut in, face hot with tears.

"I'm sorry. I don't want to leave you behind. I don't want to make you wait. But I fear I'll do that all the time we're fighting to get Kaneki back."

Kanae looked up at him with tearful eyes, expression desperate. "You'll always obsess over Kaneki, won't you? You only need keep me with you. Don't abandon me. I don't have to wait, if I'm with you. _Ich liebe dich, Shuu._ "

Shuu's breath caught in his throat. He hadn't imagined Kanae would look so wretched if he ever said those words to him. Still, the words felt wonderful. Kanae's face was a beautiful shade of scarlet, and he stared at Shuu worriedly, as though he thought he had said something bad.

"My most precious person is already by my side," Shuu said gently. He curled an arm around Kanae and wiped away his tears. "Whereas my friend is in trouble. I don't yet know the extent of my feelings, but Kaneki comes second to you. Were it you in his position, I would have already torn the world apart to get you back. I just want to get Kaneki back. To give him freedom."

Kanae looked down, lips forming a pout.

Shuu smiled faintly. "Ah, Kanae...I'm making you wait again, aren't I?" He tilted Kanae's chin up. "That won't do, will it?" he asked, voice soft. "I must take better care of your heart. I'll gift you mine."

"Shuu..." Kanae's eyes filled with hope.

"So, then..." Shuu leaned in, breath ghosting over Kanae's lips. "Be my own, beautiful Kanae."

Kanae reached for him, eyes half closed, and Shuu took it as acceptance. Kanae's lips met Shuu's halfway, tentative and searching, then desperately needy. Eyes fluttering closed, Shuu felt Kanae's arms tighten around him, and his chest filled with warmth.

Kanae was crying again when they pulled apart.

"Why are you crying?" Shuu stroked Kanae's cheek, thumb swiping away tears.

"I've always been yours, Shuu," Kanae whispered. "I'm glad you see me now."

"You wished that I would, didn't you? And I took too long to realise. I'll be yours from now on. I care about you, Kanae."

"I love you."

Shuu smiled. "Say it in your own tongue. It sounds beautiful coming from your mouth."

Kanae leaned in closer, hopeful. " _Ich liebe dich."_

" _Merveilleux, ma chérie."_ Shuu pressed a butterfly-light kiss to Kanae's lips. He couldn't echo Kanae's heartfelt words - not yet - but the sensation that filled his heart was a good sign that one day, he would be able to.

Amidst the smell of roses, the seeds of that thought grew, ready to bloom into the most beautiful flower.

**Author's Note:**

> Translations:  
> Thanks to Rina for checking (and correcting) my German! 
> 
> schön - beautiful
> 
> Walle, Regen, walle nieder, Wecke mir die Träume wieder, Die ich-- From 'Regenlied' by Klaus Groth. This was printed in TG:re chapter 35. "Pour, Rain, pour down, awaken in me again those dreams, that I--" You can find the full version and translation [here](http://www.lieder.net/lieder/get_text.html?TextId=6908)
> 
> bellisimo - lovely
> 
> Göttlicher Geschmack - Divine taste
> 
> Je vueil quanque vous voulez - From a poem by late medieval Italian-French poet Christine de Pisan. "I am willing whatever you will." Read it [here](http://short-edition.com/classique/christine-de-pizan/je-vueil-quanque-vous-voulez)
> 
> Mon cuer remaint morne et cois - Christine de Pisan again. "My heart remains gloomy and silent." Read it [here](http://www.wikipoemes.com/poemes/christine-de-pisan/il-a-au-jour-dui-un-mois.php)  
> (Regarding the translations, they came from a book that contained some excerpts. No idea where to find full translations of the poems!)
> 
> Ja, Meister Shuu. Ich bin immer für dich da. Ich will dir helfen. Aber bitte schlaf jetzt - Yes, Master Shuu. I'm always here for you. I want to help you. But please sleep now.
> 
> Mein schöner Meister Shuu - My beautiful Master Shuu
> 
> Ich wünsche... - I wish...
> 
> Du besitzt mein Herz - You have my heart
> 
> Ich liebe dich - I love you
> 
> Träumst du? - Are you dreaming?
> 
> Süße Träume - Sweet dreams
> 
> Natürlich! - Of course! 
> 
> Mon cher - My dear
> 
> Merveilleux, ma chérie - Wonderful, my darling


End file.
